How to Teach Yourself Spanish

Speaking Spanish will make you valuable to employers (I know this because I'm looking for a job in Colorado and about half of the postings say things like "Spanish speaker preferred").  It will also give you bilingual street cred so people from other countries won't look down on you for only speaking English (though they probably speak at least 4 languages, so you'll still be way behind). Most of us didn't learn much in the pathetic mess that passes for language classes in American high schools, so follow my foolproof method to Lifehack the shit out of language education and teach yourself Spanish!


1. Learn Latin in High School
Latin is a completely useless language but it will up your nerd cred and help you build a foundation for the Romance languages (yet not, ironically, a foundation for actual romance).

Gaius Neckbeardius says Latin is the language of love......ladies.

2. Study Italian in College, preferably with some Study Abroad
Italian is not really a useful language either (for things like careers and world travel), but I love speaking it and it's a pretty good excuse to spend 6 months eating pasta, drinking wine, and traveling around Europe's most delicious and beautiful country (I mean that. Don't try to come at me, Francophiles! Gelato beats croissants any day.)

Suck it, France.

3. Understand Spanish But Speak it Like Italian
Next, explain to everyone that you can understand some Spanish because of your Italian skillz. Try to pronounce Spanish words, only to have them come out like botched Italian. Ask friends and family who speak Spanish to tell you how to say a word en español. Explain how the same word differs in Italian, even though said friend or family member really doesn't care and is about to stop translating shit for you.

4. Give Up On Friends and Turn to the Internet
Sign up for Duolingo and Mango Languages (see if your library has it so you can access for free). Download Spanish-Learning podcasts. Go crazy in the appstore getting language-learning apps. Spend hours alone in your house, talking to your phone, making your own flashcards with Anki, forgoing food and drink to spend more time cramming your brain with vocabulary. All those naysayers will be so shocked when you blast them with a wave of your Spanish knowledge. You'll show them. You'll show them all!

Worship the owl god with daily language practice.

5. Try Out Your Language Skills In Real Life
Test your Spanish skills by trying to have a conversation with a real Spanish-speaker. Get really confused and awkward when the conversation progresses beyond "Hola, me llamo Sarah. Como se llama usted?" Retreat. Use your growing Spanish vocabulary to impress friends who "learned" Spanish in American public schools (I taught my girlfriend how to say "avocado." It's "aguacate." You're welcome.)

Congratulations. You have now gotten as far as I have in your quest to teach yourself Spanish! If you know what Step 6 should be, let me know in the comments! And seriously, check out those links--Duolingo and Mango are awesome and the others are great supplementary vocab tools.

Hasta luego! (Also message me in the comments if you know how to do that upside-down exclamation-point thingy on a MacBook Pro. It seems my laptop also needs to learn Spanish.)