Sarah Borealis: The 5 People You Meet While Canvassing

When we first arrived in Colorado, I got three part-time jobs in quick succession: selling stuff at a large retail store, tutoring elementary school kids in reading and math, and canvassing for a city council candidate. The canvassing ended in early November with election day, of course, but as we approach the final stretch of the seemingly-decades-long 2016 presidential election, I thought I'd take this time to share my experience with anyone who's considering a career in politics.

Beware the dreaded Apartment Complex: the numbering system is incomprehensible and the residents will swear it's the "law" that political canvassers aren't allowed entry.

After many long, hard days of walkin, knockin, and talkin (that's how I describe it on my resume), I realized everyone I encountered fell into one of five categories.

1. Dog People
According to my sample size of gazillions of residents of Beautiful Denver Suburb, 98% of Coloradans are Dog People. That is, from the sounds I heard from the other side of those doors, most Coloradans either own several dogs or are, themselves, some kind of human-dog hybrid.

*Knock Knock*
Arf! Arf! ArfArfArfArf! WOOOF. WOO-WOOF. WOOOF!Arf! Arf! WOOOF. Ruff rufff. Awoooo!!
(How many dogs are in there, anyway? Are these people running some kind of dog farm? What would a dog farm even produce, anyway?)
THUD. (Did that German Shepherd just throw its body against the window in an attempt to get to me?)
Arf! Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine......scrabble scratch click(Oh god I think it's learning how to open the door handle...)
*Backs away slowly*

I get it, terrified bunny. I know just how you feel.

And this is what it sounds like when the owner is home:

*Knock Knock*
Arf! Arf! Woof! Woof Woof! Arf! Arf! Arf!
"Hey! Sit. Sit! Down, Sherlock! Watson, off! I said OFF!"

[opens door, poking head and shoulders out and using leg to block hysterical trio of dogs]

"Can I help you?"
Arf! Woof! Arff! Arrrr-ruff! Woof!
"Watson! Down! Leave that poor lady alone! Mrs. Hudson, stop it! Sorry."
"Hi! So I'm here to talk to you-" ARF! "-about a city council candidate" AaaooOOOOOH!
"DOWN BOY!"

I have gained a new appreciation for pet owners who can actually control their animals.

2. Assholes

I have a sneaking suspicion this one might be an asshole.

Do you have a sign on your house with a picture of a gun and the words "We Don't Call 911"?
Do you answer polite requests with threats and profanity?
Do you lack the common human decency to say things like, "Sorry, not interested"?
...then you might be an asshole.

Here are some actual quotes:

"Hi, is __ available?" "Not interested." *SLAM*

"I'm calling the cops on you for soliciting. What's your name? I'm calling your candidate to complain!"

(throws the flyer back at my face) "Get the fuck off my property you goddamn assholes!" (let's be accurate here. I am, at most, only one asshole.)

(after I asked for his wife, since she was the one on my list:) "Is there a reason they don't want to talk to the husbands?"

"Obama is a slug and he should be shot." (Wrong election, wrong year...but okay, lady.)

3. Nice Older People Who Really Really Want to Chat
"Hi, is __ available?"
[20 minutes laters, after we've discussed everything from city issues, to drivers who speed on their street, to marijuana laws:]
"So can we count on your support for [candidate]?"
"I'll think about it, I still have to read up on all the candidates."
Arggghhhh.

4. Normal Voters
Believe it or not, this is actually a thing.
"Hi, is __ available?"
"Yes, that's me."
And then we have a quick chat about the election, the candidate, and this voter's concerns for their city. I find out how much they are supporting my candidate, and I leave. It's such a refreshingly mature interaction.

5. That One Lady Who is Taking Her Cat for a Walk
There's one in every town.

Pros: cute and welcoming signage. Cons: Cat Lady.

Fortunately, canvassing was not all awkward conversations. I also got to walk around Beautiful Denver Suburb for hours, getting plenty of exercise while enjoying some incredible views. This particular suburb has a mind-boggling amount of public green space...