Things I Wish I Knew Before I Moved to Denver

Moving somewhere new is both exciting and soul-crushing. Since I know for a fact that about 3 billion more people will move to the Greater Denver Area in the next year, I've compiled a list of things I wish I'd known before I made the 109-hour journey.

Colorado: probably worth it. But please don't move here, we don't need housing prices driven up any further.

1. Your Liquids Will Explode

When you go on a plane, your travel-size bottles of shampoo, contact solution, emergency booze, lube, and hemorrhoid cream (all under 3 ounces, because we're letting the terrorists win) tend to expand and leak all over your luggage. What I didn't realize, but probably should have, is that this lovely air pressure science experiment also happens when you bring liquids from sea-level New Orleans to literally-mile-high Denver. So imagine what happens to the contents of your pantry, your bathroom cabinets, and your girlfriend's collection of paint, paint thinner, polyurethane, WD-40, etc. (okay, maybe not everyone's girlfriend is adept at carpentry and home repair): some leakage will occur. But this isn't the only way the altitude will fuck with you...

Goddamn mountains.

2....You Will Probably Get Altitude Sickness

Hint: going for a hike at Red Rocks just a week after you move here is NOT going to help with the altitude sickness

Apparently the liquid in your cells likes the altitude about as much as the liquid in your hair gel bottle. Symptoms include headaches, loss of appetite, shortness of breath, dizziness, fatigue, and wishing you had stayed in low-lying New Orleans despite the oppressive humidity and depressing crime statistics. Here's a fun tip from Colorado State Parks on how to treat Acute Altitude Sickness: descend to a lower altitude as soon as possible. Thanks, Colorado State Parks. That's really helpful. On the bright side, in high altitude you get drunk faster. Which is convenient, because...

3....You Can't Buy Booze at a Grocery Store (except for low-alcohol beer)

This was actually a completely sober birthday activity.

Apparently pot is legal here but alcohol over 3.2% can only be purchased a liquor store. Alas, I can no longer buy giant bottles of Costco-branded Grey Goose (yes, that's a thing) unless I go to the one Costco in the state that is allowed to have a liquor store attached to it. But despite this tragedy, apparently....

4. ...Everybody Else is Also Trying to Move to Denver

For their sake, hopefully they aren't doing it by car like we did.

Before we moved, we thought it was a good sign that so many people we talked to were also moving to Denver or had a cousin, landlord's sister's boyfriend's godmother's aunty, or BFF who had just moved there. It turns out all you assholes drove up the rent and now I have to pay more than what I paid in NOLA to live in <shudder> Aurora. The massive influx of people doesn't make it easy for me to find a job, either. Why? Why, assholes? Is it the pot? Are you just moving here for the legal weed? Not such a good idea, because...

5. You Can't Necessarily Smoke Weed Without Getting Into Trouble

These are the only weeds I've encountered so far (strange plants on the High Line Canal Trail)

Sure, marijuana is legal in Colorado. You can grow it, sell it, buy it, smoke it, eat it, and probably even put it up your butt if you want to. However, you can only consume it in a private residence (hotels and many apartment complexes don't allow it), so the burgeoning weed tourism industry is somewhat stymied by the problem of WHERE the excited visitor from Wyoming or New Mexico can partake of their newly-acquired hash stash. The other problem is that many businesses, local governments, and other organizations you might want to work for do not particularly give a crap about the legality of weed. They still drug-test your ass. So even though eating a pot-infused gummy bear is not against the law, and even though eating one today will not impair my ability to work a week from now, I can't touch those gummies because the THC would show up on a drug test for about a month. Until someone invents a marijuana breathalyzer to prove that a person is high right now instead of a blood test that proves he got high sometime in the last few weeks, pot will stay in this space of questionable legality and be off-limits to people like me who are trying to get a job. But unless you moved here to get your smoke on, you'll probably consider this a minor annoyance. In fact...

6....You'll Probably Love It Here Anyway

Dangit, Lake Pueblo! Stop being so pretty!

Maybe Colorado wasn't the wisest choice for my career or my budget. And sure, the food is pretty mediocre compared to a place like New Orleans (apparently, living in a foodie town spoils you for normal cities where life doesn't revolve around cuisine). But the weather is gorgeous and the people are generally pretty nice. It's a beautiful place to walk, bike, hike, or camp, and I can't wait to go skiing. Please, though: if you haven't moved to Denver, and you're thinking about it, ignore #6 and move somewhere else instead. If the growth rate keeps up they'll have to turn the Rocky Mountains into one giant apartment complex, which wouldn't be too great for the moose (or is it meese? We should change the plural form to meese).